sleep and funerals

Three things I’d do if I weren’t afraid:

1. get a pet bird

I am super, traumatically afraid of birds. I’m so afraid of birds that I won’t even look at one on TV. I don’t know where this fear originated from because I’ve just been afraid as long as I can remember. 

Maybe if I wasn’t so fearful of birds I could have a pet bird. They’re probably not bad creatures so I couldn’t see why I wouldn’t consider it. I love animals, but I just can’t find myself loving this particular one. So yeah, I’d probably have a pet bird.

I wonder what I would name it…hmmm

2. never have a surprise birthday party

I know this sounds weird but I can’t stand surprise birthday parties… or anything that is a surprise for that matter. My fear is not surprised birthday parties but not knowing. The unknown scares the crap out of me. This is mainly because I can’t prepare myself. I always like to be prepared. If I know it’s coming, I can prepare myself for what’s going to take place. I know it’s a horrible fear to have but, it’s something I am working on.

3. get more sleep and go to funerals

Ok, I know this one sounds pretty crazy. Why are these two together? That’s because of my fear of loneliness and abandonment. My husband works at night and I completely hate it. When he leaves, I am alone. The feeling that I am the only one in the apartment freaks me out. I will literally have either the TV or my music blasting because I can’t handle the silence. Silence reminds me that I am alone. I will become an insomniac before I fall asleep alone and that’s just how I feel about it.


Funerals are hard for me. They remind me that someone I love has left me. I can’t handle that feeling that someone is missing. My grandparents passed and I felt like the loneliest person in the world even though I had more family members surrounding me than at any family reunion or special occasion. I feel abandoned and empty without them. I’m so afraid of not having someone that I keep myself surrounded with people and I won’t go to funerals or going away parties. It scares me just that much.


If I wasn’t afraid of this, I probably would have gone to sleep that night and went to my grandmother’s funeral the next morning.

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